Why No One Loves You
I want to begin by asking you some uncomfortable questions, not to shame you, but to invite you to reflect with me. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the best, how patient have you truly been today, this past holiday season, or in life overall? Not surface level patience, but real patience, the kind that remains long tempered when people are slow, difficult, or inconvenient to you.
On that same scale, how kind are you, consistently, to those closest to you? Your spouse, your children, your friends, your family, your coworkers, your church community, and even those who can offer you nothing in return. Is your kindness steady, or does it depend on your mood, your stress level, or how you are being treated?
Would the people who know you best say that jealousy or envy shows up in your life, especially when it comes to their time, relationships, or interests outside of you? Are there areas where pride quietly lives, where you elevate yourself and needs above others, even if you would never say it out loud? Does it show in your nonverbals or even by your absence even if physically present?
Are you rude in subtle ways, not loud or obvious, but careless? Have you been around someone long enough to claim closeness, yet still do not know what matters to them, who they love, what they enjoy, their favorite music or t.v. shows or how they prefer the simplest things like their food or their drink? Would those closest to you say that you insist on your own way, that things often need to be done your way, on your timeline, according to your standards? And if not you get irritated easily?
Do you keep a mental record of wrongs, storing them away and pulling them out when conflict arises? Do past failures become weapons in present arguments? When things get hard, do you give up on one another too easily? Do repeated disappointments cause you to lose faith, not just in the situation, but in the person?
And finally, do you still hope? Do you believe a better future is possible, or have you quietly settled for survival instead of endurance? If someone were to describe you honestly, would they call you a person who endures in love, even when it feels as though it will cost your everything? Would you yourself describe yourself as Loving?
If you believe your answers would match theirs, then you are free to stop reading and exit this article. But if you believe, or even know, that you have not been very loving, patient or kind with others, whoever they may be, I ask that you keep reading and allow me to hold y(our) feet to the figurative fire.
When I first got married, nothing prepared me for the elite levels of patience and kindness required to experience real peace inside our home. What I once believed qualified as patience and kindness was exposed very quickly. My personal standards were far too low, and the result was not peace, but tension, disorder, and unnecessary turmoil usually caused by me. It became clear that good intentions and even actions were not enough.
Everything began to change when I moved from theory to practice, and from selfishness to humility. When I allowed myself to be held accountable, not to my feelings or preferences, but to the highest standards of God’s Word, my understanding of love was reshaped. As those standards were applied consistently, our love for one another became more fruitful, more stable, and far more enduring. It is when I began to allow Danielle to be who God made her and not who Chadrik wanted her to be.
Most of us have heard 1 Corinthians 13 used in one setting or another. Many have read it. Some can even quote parts of it. Yet rarely do we pause long enough to grasp the depth, weight, and precision of Paul’s definition of love. It is not poetic fluff. It is not sentimental language or prescriptive only. It is a mirror to be reflected, and for many of us, it will be an uncomfortable one. But if you allow yourself to reflect the image of our creator, Our Father I am guaranteeing your relationships will change dramatically for the best.
When Paul begins his definition of love, or charity, in 1 Corinthians 13, the first word he uses is patience. The Greek word is makrothymia, meaning long tempered, slow to anger, restrained under repeated provoking and poking. This is not waiting. This is not tolerance. This is not emotional suppression for a short duration. Biblical patience is the deliberate refusal to return offense for offense, even when wronged, misunderstood, or mistreated.
Scripture gives us the clearest picture of this patience in Jesus Himself. “When He [Jesus] was criticized in an abusive and angry manner, He did not criticize in return. When He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23). Jesus did not match tone or energy. He did not escalate or provoke back. He did not defend His ego. He absorbed criticism without sinning and entrusted judgment to the Father. That is biblical patience. That is patience as God defines it.
The very next word Paul uses is kind. The Greek word is chrēsteuetai, meaning to show oneself useful, benevolent, and intentionally good toward another. Kindness is not politeness. It is not being nice for the sake of niceness. It is not tone management or emotional restraint. Biblical kindness is expressed through intentional action, initiative, and service, even when the other person has not earned it or deserved it. Going out of your own way. Patience absorbs the offense. Kindness moves toward the offender anyway despite its cost towards our egos. Scripture defines this clearly: “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Love does not wait for worthiness. It always acts for the good of others.
Jesus makes this uncomfortably clear in Matthew. If you only love those who love you, you are doing nothing extraordinary. You are no different from everyone else, including those outside the faith. Loving people who are easy, familiar, or kind to you does not distinguish you as God’s people. Jesus’ point is sharp, if our love looks the same as the world’s, then our faith is indistinguishable from it. God’s people are set apart not by who they love, but by how they love, especially when love is undeserved, unreturned, or costly in every way.
Scripture gives us only these two words to BEGIN defining love as patience and kindness. There are no alternatives, no substitutes, and no personal interpretations. If impatience, irritability, coldness, withdrawal, resentment, bitterness, harshness, record keeping, or conditional affection exist within your relationships, then regardless of what you feel, believe, or claim, it is not love. It may be attachment. It may be convenience. It may be habit. It may even be religious duty. But according to God’s Word, it is not love.
Jesus shows us patience and kindness together in real life. When His disciples argued about greatness, he did not chastise them in anger, He patiently corrected them and then knelt to wash their feet. Patience endured their immaturity. Kindness served them anyway. When Peter publicly denied Him, Jesus did not discard him. He patiently restored him and entrusted him again with responsibility. Patience absorbed betrayal. Kindness rebuilt and restored the relationship even when Peter did nothing but rerecognize who Jesus was. This is love as God defines it, slow to anger, active in mercy, and unwavering in goodness.
This immediately exposes the world’s counterfeit version of love. The world teaches waiting until annoyed, tolerance until a personal line is crossed, and kindness only when it is returned. Everyone becomes their own authority when patience ends, when kindness is withdrawn, and when forgiveness expires. This is not wisdom. It is disorder. Scripture warns us plainly, “Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every extremely unpleasant practice” (James 3:16).
Scripture goes even further. John tells us that love is not optional evidence, it is the test. “Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness” (1 John 2:9). The Greek word for hate here is miseō, which does not always look like rage or open hostility. More often, it appears as indifference, withdrawal, coldness, silent punishment, avoidance, withholding affection, or cutting someone off internally even while remaining physically present. Many people I know believe they do not hate, yet they practice it daily without realizing it. John is unwilling to waiver: “Everyone who hates [indifferent to, is cold to, is silent towards, or has emotionally cut off] his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him” (1 John 3:15). Scripture leaves no room to soften this and even says people who engage in this sort of behavior are not truly Saved.
This is why James warns us that unchecked desire gives birth to sin, and sin, when fully grown, leads to death (James 1:15). This is not only eternal death, but relational death, emotional death, spiritual decay, and the slow erosion of peace within the home. This is why so many households lack the true peace that transcends all understanding. The absence of chaos is not peace. Silence is not peace. Avoidance is not peace. Just because you and your spouse or children did not argue today does not mean your home is healthy. Just because things are not bad does not mean they are good, certainly not by God’s standards and probably not even by your own.
Paul makes this unmistakably clear. Love is not jealous. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Love is not rude or careless. Love does not insist on its own way. Love is not irritable. Love keeps no record of wrongs. These are not personality traits. They are spiritual indicators that indicate the person who is exhibiting these characteristics are spiritually dead. When Paul says, “When I was a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, I acted like a child” (1 Corinthians 13:11), he is pointing directly back to these behaviors. Irritability, pride, entitlement, record keeping, and self centeredness are extremely childish behaviors and characteristics of a spiritually dead person and Scripture identifies them as sin.
God’s standard for love is not based on random choice or how you are feeling. This love reflects His own character. When God reveals Himself, He declares, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love” (Exodus 34:6). To love with patience and kindness is to reflect the image of God Himself. This is not merely box checking Christianity. It is transformation. This is what it means to live as His people and to be a Child of God.
This leaves us with no neutral ground. Either we continue to let the world define love for us or define love ourselves and get the same fruitless results or we all choose as God’s definition. Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love another” (John 13:35) and that the law of God is fulfilled by loving one another.
And here is the promise. If you allow God to redefine what Love is, to redefine patience and kindness in your life, if you stop loving your way and pretending to be god and start living as true children of God by reflecting His character, I am promising you, and more importantly God is promising you, a far more fruitful relationship with people, with your home, and with every responsibility He has placed in our care. Remember “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control” (Galatians 5:22). So please, step down from YOUR thrones with me. Lets all adopt God’s standards. Love like this. Reflect His image. And watch what He produces through your willingness and I PROMISE WE CAN AND WILL CHANGE THE WORLD ONE FAMILY AT A TIME, starting with our own.
What do you think? Share your thoughts and lets talk! :D
